Why My Back-Up Plan Is Now My Actual Plan

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I’m 29 years old. I had a back-up plan. Said plan has now turned into my inevitable future. Now, before I go into details as to how I arrived at my current plan, I should tell you that this is not out of bitterness or hope that people will shower me with encouragement that my perfect gentleman is waiting for me at a Starbuck’s nearby. It is because my plan is actually a pretty sweet deal–let me explain how I got here.

My first boyfriend was when I was 14 years old. I know, 14 is such a little baby bird age to even know how the hell to be in a relationship, but I digress. It is true, I was 14 and got a crush on a boy who played basketball and football, and boom: LOVE. I was always into athletes, not really because the thought of an athlete was “hot” (which is the only reason I even watch sports now), but back then all I thought about was coolness and athletes were cool. I told you, I WAS 14. So we dated and were so in love with each other…whatever that meant. We stayed together for 2.5 years and he was my “first.” In retrospect, I totally should have held out for better sex, but hey, I was too young to know any better, and I had nothing to compare it to (lucky him). I ended up transferring schools my junior year, which didn’t last long, and I transferred back. I came back to an ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend, unbeknownst to me. So there you have it–strike one.

Bachelor #2 showed up around my senior year. It was short lived. He started out as one of my best friends, so naturally I decided to screw up that convenient arrangement by telling him that I had “feelings for him.” In reality he would have made the perfect boyfriend if I was event SLIGHTLY attracted to him. After six months, it, along with our friendship was over. Strike two.

I started my first year of college and there was a plethora of guys around. I was like a kid in candy shop–did I mention I’ve always been boy-crazy? Surprise! Now you know. So I ran into Mr. Third-times-a-charm, and it was actually pretty good for a while…until I finally accepted that he was a functioning pot-head and really didn’t know how to even be a boyfriend. He was just a cool guy that I was attracted enough to hang out with and have sex with. Two years later I was less a boyfriend, and I had gained full custody of two cats–please, over my dead body was he going to get the kids! Did I mention I’m cat-crazy too? Moving on…

I’m going to lump the three “winners” together into one collectively douche-bag boyfriend. They all possessed the same qualities that would basically equal one ginormous asshole. Up until 2010, the END of which was a very good year, I was treated slightly worse than one would treat a pedophile in prison. SO, after wasting my time with all these gentlemen I decided relationships and monogamy were bubcus! I went on a casual dating spree–I was a black widow not really caring who got trampled or hurt during my reign of terror. Ok, I’m not EVIL, I just really didn’t give a shit about anyone but myself….

Recently I decided that Mr. Right just may not be in the cards for me, AND THAT’S OK! I have a lot of things to be happy about–I have a lot going for me, so lord knows a man would only complicate things. But then I also started thinking about companionship, and PERHAPS the fact that I might want a child somewhere down the line…I’m maxed out on cats anyway. I decided that artificial insemination would be the appropriate route to take for the baby part, but I wasn’t really sure about the companion part…until last night. Here is where my back-up plan turns into the present plan. A really great co-worker and friend of mine and I decided that we would have a child together when the time is right. He is gay, I am not, but we both know we’d make a lovely little family together. He also has a boyfriend that will probably be added to this stew of love, but nonetheless, this is a sweet deal. He is one of the greatest people I know, and I can’t imagine a better plan. For those of you who will shun me for this decision or think I’m crazy…well my middle fingers are proudly pointed right at you. I will be sure to send you a christmas card with a picture of me and my son or daughter with his or her two dads.

 

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