The Girlfriend Application


I will admit something here: I’m a huge advocate of requiring potential partners to actually apply for the position of boyfriend, fuck-buddy, husband (a wee bit far-fetched, but you get my drift). While there might be humor to what you read before you, I’m being sincere. Coming from a girl who has failed in the relationship department, I’m pretty positive having some sort of application process may have helped me. I came across a “girlfriend application” today and decided to fill it out…here’s a sample of my honest answers. Enjoy.

Age: 29

Height: 5’6″

Weight: I don’t own a scale, and no I won’t guess.

Eye color: Hazel

Natural hair color: dark brown

Current hair color: What I listed above with blonde highlights

Are you a virgin? If you answered NO, how many sexual partners have you had? No. If I tell you this, it will probably make you pretty insecure and mildly skeptical.

What is your favorite sexual position? If you don’t know the name, describe it: Anything that doesn’t involve my cervix being treated like a punching bag.

Have you ever had a sex change? Even if I did, it’d be a good one and you wouldn’t be able to tell…so why does that matter?

Do you smoke? On occasion

Do you use any illegal substances? No

Do you have kids? If YES, how many? Hell no. I have cats.

Do you work out? Not as much as I should, and I hate gyms.

Do you have a source of income? If YES, what is it? Yes, and it’s called a full-time job.

Do you have a history of mental illness? Let me consult with my therapist if this is safe for me to answer.

Do you cook? Yes, but only for myself. No seriously, I hate cooking for others.

How many tattoos do you have? 6 and counting


What is your idea of a perfect date in three sentences or less? One where you don’t disgust me by the end of the night.

Explain why I should pick you as my girlfriend in one sentence: Well, as you can see by this application, I’m brutally honest…and there needs to be more honest people in life. I also have a high sex-drive (if that helps)

List any special skills that you may have that are relevant to this position: See above answer 😉

What do you want out of a relationship, specifically one with me? Don’t be a douche.

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