The Things You Realize About Yourself Before 8AM


1. You will never look like every movie star, in every movie, in every morning scene. The morning is not friendly to crust in the eyes, bad hair, breath, and any other imperfections. In fact, the morning HIGHLIGHTS all your imperfections–it’s like one big magnifying glass that shows the person you screwed the night before, while you were looking, well, screwable–that in fact, they’re lucky they caught you in the right light…darkness.

2. That pilates class you raved about isn’t look so amazing. The only “plank” I care to do is right here, in m bed, on my stomach. So really not a plank at all.

3. Working an 8-5 BLOWS.

4. You should have really thought a bit more about getting pets. Pets wake up well before 8AM and expect you to feed them, love them, and play with them. I have two cats, and they are of the understanding that 5:30 AM is a perfectly acceptable time to use my chest like a trampoline. This is a time I do not love them. Meow. (UGH).

5. WHY did I stay up late last night to watch the episode where Lucy and Ethel get locked out on the roof of their building? I’ve seen it a MILLION TIMES. I know what’s gonna happen, YET, I sit there in awe at how clever the writers of this show are. Can’t wait for the episode at 2:30 AM!

6. I should probably get up for work now, being that it is 7:59. FML.

7. You suddenly become an expert as to why sleep is better than pretty much ANYTHING in life.


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